Twice in a Row

Once again, we had an uneventful morning.  When I say uneventful, I mean no tears, yelling, or lost socks.  I even managed to fold a load of laundry before I left for work.  I know you are probably thinking, "If that crazy woman would just get out of bed a few minutes earlier, things would be different."  And you're absolutely right.  It's just ingrained in me to do things at the last minute.  I work best when I'm under pressure.  


One of the ladies I work with has a husband who is a super cool guy.  He's old enough to be my grandpa and I just think he's swell (for the record, I don't normally use the word "swell." I'm not sure where that came from).  He collects funny obituaries, and shares them with me.  He scours the internet daily for obits that are odd or unique.  For example, he brought me one today that said the deceased "departed this dimension."  Another one today said he "pastured many churches."  He told me today he would share his entire collection with me.  I'm giddy.

Gold Medal Mom

Today, on the 4^th day of the new school year, I earned my gold medal.  Hold your applause.  Well, maybe you don’t have to hold it all.

It was a “write this down” morning at my house.  Something happened that (a) never happens (b) is hard to believe and (c) probably will never happen again.  We managed to make it out the door, on time, with no tears, no yelling, no “Mom, where’s my _____?”  None!  For those of you who celebrate this accomplishment every day, I’m just a tad bit jealous (maybe a lot jealous).  Before today, no matter how hard I tried, no matter if we set out our clothes the night before, no matter if all 3 kids showered before bed, no matter if papers were signed and snacks prepared in advance…no amount of preparing made mornings any smoother, until today.  Sadly, I don’t know what the difference was.  We put out our clothes (except for me), 2/3 kids showered, located shoes, backpacks and hairbrushes, and bagged the goldfish crackers for snack.  And today, for no apparent reason, it was smooth sailing.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow, but not holding my breath.

Always In Transition

We have moved!  Ok we have moved the office, not the house.  It looks like Labor Day weekend is the big event and I really have mixed feelings.  I can’t describe how excited I am to finally be done with the drama and anxiety that surrounds us with our current house.  I know I am going to feel like a weight has been lifted.  I know that’s cliché but I have felt the physical effects of relieving emotional stress so I know it can (and will!) happen in this case.  My anxiety is the logistics of the move.  When we were military, moving was a piece of cake (another cliché—I’m on a roll today).  Really the hardest part was waiting.  I would stand in my house with a clipboard and direct traffic.  Now that we are civilians again, I’m not allowed to direct traffic.  I have to make the hard decisions, wrap, pack, unpack, unwrap, etc.  It is going to be difficult to maintain a sense of order while this is happening.  Not there is ever much order around my house but it would be nice to be able to minimize the stress, although we seem to thrive in chaos. 

School starts back next week which means I have put off school shopping long enough.  We must go this weekend.  Off we go tomorrow, lists in hand.  I really don’t dislike school shopping, I just dislike the crowds.  Picking out backpacks and crayons—that’s actually fun for me.  Hopefully I can manage without tears (from me or the kids).  My oldest child needs a fancy white dress for a church award ceremony.  If it were for my middle one, it would be easy.  My oldest hates dresses and anything girly.  It’s going to be quite a challenge to find her a dress that isn’t frilly, lacy or poufy.  And it’s August—white dresses aren’t really in season.  There will be tears.  I’m prepared.  I hope. 

My husband saw his neurologist again a couple of weeks ago and I’m happy to report that he is getting a new doctor!  His old doctor has no bedside manner and is just downright rude.  He has been in constant pain since early January.  We asked about a specific treatment that had worked for a friend.  Her response to that was that he would be an excellent candidate for that if his pain was severe.  You mean to tell me that constant, debilitating pain for over 6 months isn’t severe?!  Nonsense.  I was so upset by her lack of explanation and her obvious underestimating of his condition.  I found the patient advocate who suggested that we see a different neurologist at another VA clinic.  We are equal distance from two different clinics so it doesn’t matter which one we go to, as long as the doctor will offer some sort of explanation.  I’m not asking for a diagnosis; in fact, at this point, I have resigned myself to the fact that there will never be a diagnosis.  I just want him to have some relief so he can live his life normally, and, in return, the whole family can live normally again.  That may never come.  I just don’t understand how and why this turned into a chronic condition.  I am hopeful that a new doctor will at least have some bedside manner.  When you don’t have any answers, a doctor that shows concern would go a long way.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes...

Everything changes I guess, whether you want it to or not.  Lately it seems like everything around me is changing.  We are still getting ready to move.  I’m seriously considering hiring a moving company to do all the hard work.  I know that sounds incredibly lazy but I think the upfront cost may well justify the lasting benefits.  When my husband was in the military, moving wasn’t a big deal.  I was the clipboard girl.  I stood inside with a clipboard in my hand (and usually a baby on my hip) while the movers worked their magic.  If you have never experienced a military move, you may not get the full sense of what I mean when I say “work their magic.”  They were always fast and efficient, two things I’m not.  They did all the hard work and I was just along for the ride.  I think they spoiled me a little.  It will sound even lazier when I say that we are only moving a few miles across town.  Having moved across town a few times in my life, I think those moves are the hardest.  My excuse for wanting movers is really simple; my life isn’t going to stop or even slow down just because we are moving.  Everything will continue just as it had before.  I need to focus my attention on other things instead of moving boxes.  I figure if I can do the packing, I can hire someone to do all the loading and unloading.  My husband has some physical problems that are going to slow him down.  I’m going to slow him down.  We have friends that can help but I don’t really want to lean on people too much.  The movers can work quickly and efficiently and have me ready to spend the night in the new house in a day’s time.  It would take my husband and me at least a week, maybe more.  I really just feel like it will be a smoother transition if we get some experienced (fast and efficient) help.  I just have to convince my husband that it will be worth the money!

Our office is moving too.  Right now, we are sharing space and it’s crowded.  We have leased another office and are moving this week, if all goes as planned.  As a business, the goal is to keep working, no matter what.  So while they are moving around me, I am going to keep plugging away, until they take my computer and/or my phone.  Because we are a small office, it will ultimately add to my stress to have to re-adapt to a new location and a new way of working.  Now, the other assistant and I can lean a bit on each other, picking up the slack if one of us is in the middle of something and the phone is ringing like crazy.  After we move, it will be just me.  The other assistant actually got this job for me almost two years ago and we have grown to be great friends.  It will be different not being in the same office as her and it will take some adjustment.  I think I’m pretty flexible and I should be able to adapt fairly quickly except I’m moving at home too.  Another great reason to hire movers.  Less stress on me means less stress on the whole family.  Have you ever heard the saying “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy?”  That’s especially true in my house.  I seem to control the mood, for better or worse. 

In light of all the changes happening around me, and because I’m a sheep, I am making some changes too.  I have finally gotten fed up with my shape, weight and general lack of fitness.  I can’t continue to lean on food as an emotional crutch or a way to pass the time.  I don’t really want to think of myself as “dieting.”  To me, a diet is something temporary.  I’m making permanent changes.  Last Friday, I started eating purposefully and mindfully.  I started Friday, knowing that weekends are the hardest for me, and hormonally, it’s the absolute worst time to be limiting comfort foods, but I started then for a specific reason.  Ultimately, it’s because I’m lazy.  Getting started is hard, weekends are hard, certain weeks of the month are hard.  If I can get all the hardest parts over with at the beginning, then I know that I will have the willpower to keep going when it gets easier.  I’m not following any specific plan, although I did stock up on 100 calorie snacks.  And the husband and I spent most of Saturday evening making fruit smoothies, complete with Muesli, tofu, yogurt, etc.  All that fun stuff that will fill me up for breakfast, although, they do not taste nearly as good as my breakfast burrito with fried jalapenos.  My arteries will thank me.  My plan is pretty simple; I’m trading in my breakfast for something healthy and then trading in one of my remaining meals for a frozen, low-calorie dinner.  The other meal is my free meal, it will probably be lunch most days.  I’m not going to go crazy at lunch, and I definitely will have to cut back then also, but I can stick with small changes I think.  I hope I can.  Exercise is going to be indoors until the temperature drops below 100.  Again, I think just starting is going to be the hardest part.  Once I get used to being more active, I can branch out and start doing more outdoors.  My husband is coaching tennis this year and really wants me to learn.  That may or may not happen; my hand-eye coordination is pretty pathetic.  I’m snacking only on 100 calorie snacks or on veggies.  Last night before bed I was starving.  I couldn’t relax and go to sleep because I was so hungry (I limited my dinner to one plate, no seconds).  I had a handful of baby carrots with a tablespoon of dressing.  It was enough to get my mind off my stomach and I was able to sleep.  I haven’t resolved to give up my Diet Dr. Pepper yet.  To be completely honest, I’m not sure I ever will.  I know the research says diet soda makes you crave sugar and soda is bad for you in general.  If I cut my soda, I’m going to iced tea with artificial sweetener so the only real difference is the bubbles. 

What has surprised me the most this weekend is that my dinner plate last night didn’t look spectacular.  I don’t mean that it wasn’t good food, but it was just food.  I didn’t devour it like an animal and I didn’t go back for seconds.  I think I’m looking at food differently already; I’m eating to live, not living to eat.  That’s a major accomplishment for me. 

I do have to throw in a few words about Snackwells Mint Fudge Shortbread Fudge Petites.  In my quest for healthy snacks, I picked up a package of these thinking they would taste pretty good, but not expecting spectacular.  Hands down, they are my absolute favorite snack now.  They taste like Thin Mints, no kidding.  Don’t take my word for it; try them yourself.  I’m curious to see if everyone else thinks they taste like Thin Mints or if my taste buds are just tricking me.  So go try some and come back here and tell me what you think. 

*Disclaimer:  I am not being compensated in any way by Nabisco for my opinion.  I bought the product, tried it and voluntarily posted my honest review.*

Ugh, I'm Behind!

I'm so behind!  I've been buried at work so there hasn't been much time to update here.  My puppy chewed up our laptop cord so I can't update from home.  I have Blogger on my phone but I hate the way it behaves (or doesn't behave) so I have been out of luck in the posting department.

The house we offered to buy did not pass inspection.  The roof failed, majorly.  Bad enough that the seller wasn't willing to put out the money to repair it and the bank wouldn't loan money on it so we are back house hunting.  My husband looked at 4 houses yesterday and is looking at 4 again today.  I looked at 1 on my lunch break and it is nice.  A little bigger than we need (5 bedrooms) but doable.  And then last night we found out that one of the teenagers that we know needs a place to live.  The back story is that he doesn't have any family here.  His older brother lives out of state and his parents are deceased.  He has basically been an orphan and been living with friends for a couple of years now.  The latest family is moving and he needs a new place to live.  All of a sudden, the 5th bedroom doesn't seem unnecessary.  Since we moved here, we have joked about running a boarding house for displaced teens.  Now it seems less of a joke and more of a reality.  We haven't made an offer to take him in and really we need to focus on getting moved first.  My husband has always felt a call to ministry but not necessarily as a church leader.  Maybe opening our home is just another way to minister to these teens.  We are still bouncing some things around in our heads and praying for direction.  I almost think that this is the answer to some things I have been questioning this week.  But then I'm not sure.  

Procrastinators Unite...

Why put off til tomorrow what you can put off til next week.  

That's one of my most favorite phrases.  I tend to live my life like that too.  That can be good and bad.  

I'm a last minute person.  If I'm going on a trip, I estimate how long it will take me to pack, add 15 minutes and wait until just before leaving to pack.  I just can't get motivated to do it before I absolutely can't put it off any longer.  Believe me, I've tried to do it in advance but I have a little self-diagnosed ADD going on and I lose my focus if I'm not under the gun.  I do my best work under pressure.  Fortunately, my boss is the same way so we work well together.  It doesn't bother me that he waits til the last minute to do something, I get it. 

I avoid unpleasant tasks until I have no choice but to do them.  I operate under the "ignorance is bliss" theory more than I should.  Sometimes procrastinating pays off, like when I ran my gas tank almost empty only to find that gas actually dropped in price before I filled up (yes, it still happens occasionally!).  Earlier this week, I had a close call after putting something off out of dread and fear that has me rethinking the way I handle things sometimes.

My SUV is very important to me.  It's big and roomy and holds my 3 kids and their stuff quite well.  It has a great sound system that I enjoy immensely when I'm driving down the road alone jamming to big hair bands and singing at the top of my lungs.  Of course, it has a huge dent in one side where I hit a telephone pole at a Cheetah Girls concert, and a dent in the other side where a deer hit me, but the dents give it character.  It's mine, it's shockingly close to being completely paid for and it's the only vehicle in our household that legally will hold our family of 5.  My husband's truck will only seat 3 which means I'm the taxi.  It was making a noise.  It started small, just a little clicking noise.  It got a little louder.  Then I noticed a little jerk when it changed gears.  Then came the clunking sound when it changed gears along with a clicking when I made a sharp turn.  I just knew it was something major but I was in denial.  So I took it for an oil change and asked them to take a peek under there and see if anything looked abnormal.  I wasn't surprised when they called and said, "Your front end is about to fall out."  Yes, they actually said "fall out."  Being the small town that it is, they drove it down to the garage for me and I called the mechanic and asked for an estimate before he started working on it.  I had dollar signs in my brain.  Lots of dollar signs.  My limited mechanical knowledge told me that this wasn't going to be a cheap fix and I was going to have to sell off everything I own to pay to keep it on the road.  The phone rang, caller ID said it was the mechanic, I took a deep breath and prepared for the worst.  $80.10.  Only $80.10!!  Relieved doesn't quite cover it.  Jumping out of my chair was more like it.  It was that very moment that I had an epiphany...when I put of something I dread, it's never as bad as I imagine it will be.  Simple and uninspiring, but it gave me something to work toward when I put something off.  In the case of packing for a trip, I put it off because I do it better at the last minute.  No harm done really unless you count an occasional forgotten toothbrush or deodorant.  But my truck could have been bad.  The front end could've actually fallen out when I was driving down the road.  I think I must be more selective in what I put off for tomorrow. 

My darling boy graduated from kindergarten on Monday.  I managed to make it through the 2nd song before I had tears.  I choked them back.  He is precious and he is growing up too fast.  Last night, he came in our room after bedtime and before me or my husband could say anything he said, "It's ok.  I can make my own pallet."  He refuses to sleep alone.  Last night, he told us he was lonely when he went to sleep by himself.  He doesn't have to sleep with someone, just in the same room.  And so, for now, he sleeps in our floor, with his sisters or on the couch with the dogs. 

Boxes

I have boxes on my mind today, both literally and figuratively...

Don't put God in a box.  That's something my pastor has said before and it's not always on my mind, but it's always in there somewhere, ready to come back to my thoughts at any given time.  I think of it now because there are times when I have prayed very specific prayers.  I know that He will answer my prayers, but I'm learning not to limit his power.  His power is limitless, unending and unimaginable.  He always surprises me at how my prayers are answered.  A few years ago, I remember being so busy with my family, church activities and a sick husband that I prayed very specifically for just one day where I could spend all day in bed, doing nothing but resting my body and my mind.  I got my day in bed but it wasn't exactly how I imagined it...I spent an entire day in a hospital bed, getting a blood transfusion after my iron level would never get above almost nothing.  I remembered my prayer when I was there in that little room, and I laughed.  I got exactly what I asked for.  I put God in a box and told him exactly how I wanted to rest and He didn't fail me.  Lesson learned.  I try to tailor my prayers now to be more general, pray for rest, renewal, strength, without telling Him how I expect to receive those.  

The same way people put God in a box, they also put other people in a box.  This is a little harder to explain because my most recent example is very personal and could offend someone if they happened to read it.  At this point in my life, I'm not terribly concerned about offending someone with the truth.  So here goes...yesterday marked the anniversary of the death of a beloved young man who was very special to us and to the community.  As the day went on yesterday, it became apparent that those of us that loved and mourn him had been put in a box.  We were expected to act a certain way, to say certain words, to memorialize him in a certain way.  I chose not to follow those expectations.  I do still mourn him and marked the anniversary privately and prayerfully (the way I do most things these days), but I also privately rejoiced because I have no doubt that I will see him again someday.  There is now some passive aggressive criticism going around because we didn't memorialize "correctly."  Part of me just wants to tell people to grow up and quit being petty.  Then I settle down and admit to myself that some people linger in certain stages of grief longer than others and that's personal and specific to everyone.  I'm no expert but I remember a few stages of grief from psychology...anger, resentment, blame, acceptance, and that's all I can remember.  I don't think "peace" is a formal stage of grief but that's where I am now.  I'm at peace with it.  

Now for happy boxes.  We're moving!  The owner accepted our offer on a house yesterday and we should move in July.  I am beyond excited.  We have lived in our house now for a little over a year and initially, it was our dream home.  We truly felt that God had put the owners into our life and our "rental with purchase option" was exactly what we wanted, and it was.  I now realize that this house was temporary for us.  At first I struggled to accept that when the owners attempted to back out of the contract and wanted to fight for what I felt God wanted us to have.  And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Actually, it hit me like buckets of rain...flowing through the walls of the house.  Yes, the rainy season revealed several gaps in the logs and allowed water to pour in.  Notice I didn't say "seep in."  It really poured in like a faucet in several places.  We had begun to suspect that it would not pass a home inspection but were willing to put work and money into it.  When the owners started going back on their word (and contract), it was more than I wanted to handle.  So we're giving it up, happily.  We found a house, actually next door to the house we lived in before.  It's in town (which I love), close to school and Boy's and Girl's Club (which I love), has a fenced in yard (also love), and is about half the price of our current home (double love).  I'm very, very excited to get out from under the negativity that has consumed us the past few months.  I'm very thankful for the opportunity to live there and learn the quirks of the house before sinking my paycheck into it for the rest of my life.  Now to collect boxes.  Before and after the military, when we moved ourselves, we discovered that boxes from the liquor store were perfect for moving.  They usually hold glass bottles so they are sturdy and they usually have handles.  Perfect.  We are downsizing slightly (about 25%) so I may need to get rid of some junk, um, things.  And the girls will be sharing a room again.  That's not high on their wishlist but we explained to them that as a family, we spend most of our time in the common areas--the living room, kitchen and dining room.  The bedrooms are reserved for sleeping, for the most part.  Surely they can sleep in the same room.  Most nights, they do anyway.  And most nights, the boy ends up in our bed or on our floor.  I'm not entirely sure why he needs a bedroom at all!  He's content with a blanket and an empty space within 10 feet of us.  Surely he will grow out of that...